Being too hard on yourself? How to stop being overly self-critical
- Manuel Meinhard
- Aug 29, 2023
- 4 min read
✉️ This article was part of the "Silent Strength Newsletter" – Fostering inner strength for introverted Developers and Leaders in Tech Business: Full Newsletter Episode and subscription
Your Inner Critic
Maybe you know such thoughts:
„Oh, that was so stupid of me!“
„I should have spoken up earlier!“
„I put way too much effort in this!“
There are situations during our busy days where our tiny inner critic is sitting on our shoulder and is evaluating us by saying things like this. He’s part of our inner team that wants to guide us through life. But often he’s not just sitting there to help us with our constructive and compassionate self-critism.
At a certain point in time my personal inner critic got louder and louder and was kind of the only person in my inner team. This is where it started to become negative self-talk that wasn’t helpful anymore. In this article I want to share some of my learnings and helpful practices I experienced during this phase. Hoping that it helps you in case you find yourself in a similar situation.
Important note: If you are reading this and find yourself habitually or even aggressively hard on yourself, please consider the advice at the end of this article.
Navigating the Inner Labyrinth: The Reflective Nature of Introverts
Especially as introverts, we're known for our reflective nature and deep thinking. However, this same tendency can make us prone to intense self-scrutiny. The inner dialogue that runs through our minds can be both a source of strength and our greatest challenge. It's crucial to acknowledge that this inner critic is not an accurate representation of reality. It's a blend of our upbringing, societal pressures, and our own insecurities.
“Don’t be a victim of your thoughts.”
Darlene Lancer
How to stop being overly self-critical
In 2005, the National Science Foundation stated that the average person has between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts per day, 80% of which are negative and 95% are the same repetitive thoughts as the day before. So negative thoughts are very common. Thoughts come up naturally, the key is how we deal with them. Important to understand is, that we neither need to follow or even believe them as they are products of our own brain. This is not you. It's your brain generating them and often perceive them as our "reality".
Embrace Mindfulness
A first step to reflect on your thoughts is being mindful about them. Mindfulness means to "Experience the current moment – without interpretation". Sometimes it might challenging to be aware of your thoughts but over time and with practice it gets easier.
One technique, I already introduced in the article Break free from Overthinking, is labeling.
Labeling is nothing more than giving your thought the label "thought", as it comes up. Without following it. Train this over a couple of time and you will recognize, that you get some distance towards your thoughts and they have less power. This technique can also be used as a form of meditation practice. But it's also very helpful if you use it through out your day. I recommend to train this technique especially in times, where your mind is more calm. The better you are prepared, when storm is coming up.
Challenge your thoughts
A question that helped me a lot was "Who is saying this?". It sounds very simple but for me it was an eye-opener. It was kind of a surprising question for my brain and after a couple of days I started smiling over my own thoughts as I recognized, that's for sure not me saying all this things. Like the labelling technique, this needs some practice but might result into wonderful insights about yourself and helps you to take a step back from your thoughts.
Cultivate Self-Kindness
Self-kindness is one small but yet effective puzzle piece to overcome being overly self-critical. It helps you to develop a kind mindset towards yourself or even others.
Nurture Supportive Connections
Probably the easiest way to be kind to yourself is to surround yourself with like-minded individuals who appreciate your strengths and understand your challenges. This can be in private life or even at work while engaging with close colleagues where you can share experiences and insights without fear of judgment. Consider seeking support at work and find a Mentor who can help and support you.
“You’re already stuck with yourself for a lifetime. Why not improve this relationship?”
Vironika Tugaleva
By taming your inner critic and fostering self-compassion, you'll find yourself better equipped to handle challenges and setbacks. Remember that your value isn't solely tied to what you achieve. Last but not least: Don’t always listen to your inner critic. He might be wrong.
Important note
If you find yourself habitually or even aggressively hard on yourself, please consider reaching out to a doctor or therapist. Feel free to consult me as Mental Health Coach and Mental Health First Aider, if you need immediate help or do not know where to start.
Need Support?
Do not hesitate to reach out to me. I am happy to support you.
– You are not alone